Dec 29

Orgasmic Wombs and the Penises That Poke Them

Frenzy of Exultations (1894), by Władysław Podkowiński (pulled this image directly from the Wikipedia entry on orgasm. Not sure what the deal with the horse is but I like the picture)

Frenzy of Exultations (1894), by Władysław Podkowiński (Pulled this image directly from the Wikipedia entry on orgasm. Not sure what the deal with the horse is but I like the picture)

Has anyone else noticed the way wombs have been featured in the sex scenes of romance novels lately, especially the historical ones? I don’t read as much romance as you’d expect a romance novelist to do (the bad ones fill me with angst and self-pity about not selling more books, and the good ones fill me with envy because really, as long as Meljean Brook writes steampunk why the fuck should I even bother? This is crazy, but completely normal among writers.) I read mostly urban fantasy and SF. Maybe orgasmic wombs and womb-bothering cocks have always been popular in romance novels and I just never noticed.

I know how hard it is to come up with new and lyrical ways to describe incendiary, romance novel-level sex. There really aren’t that many different ways to describe the mechanics of coitus–his hand went there, her leg did this, he got hard, she got wet. And, as it seems every other romance hero has a dick of heroic dimensions, and as very few women possess ten inch vaginas, that bad boy’s bound to be knocking on her cervix. I get that. I don’t find it hot–in fact, I have the same reaction men do when you use words like “emasculate” or “castrate” around them, i.e., a visceral urge to clench my thighs together and whimper–but I get it.

A heroic cock knocking on a cervix is anatomically inevitable. A heroic cock knocking on a womb is just silly. The cervix, sitting as it does between the vagina and the womb, is nature’s cock blocker. To get to the womb, the cock would have to go through the cervix–and I’ve actually seen passages from romance novels where this happens. (Here I must stop and pay my compliments to fellow librarian Jennifer Porter, who is amassing a near-scholarly collection of anatomically impossible sex scenes in supposedly contemporary erotic romance. She also collects spurting passages but that’s for another blog post I’ll never write so help me God.)

The cervix does change shape, of course–during labor, it’s the cervix that dilates. (I’ve always had this image of the cervix as the swinging door at the top of a big water slide. The baby slips through and goes WHOOSH and out into the world.) (Or, you know, not. My child, like many others, went out the window instead of the door.)

The cervix is an exit. It does not flex to accommodate an incoming dick. If a dick managed to find its way through your cervix and start poking your womb, I imagine both you and the dick’s owner would experience an agony unknown even to the people who’ve stuck their heads through a staircase railing. You’d very likely end up on a new series on (what else) The Learning Channel entitled Sex Sent Me To The ER. (Click the link – I’m not making it up.)

I bet Jennifer Cruisie could make a great sex scene out of that, but no one else could.

For some reason, the whole “dicks and cervixi (I haven’t looked up the plural of cervix, but I really like cervixi) doing impossible things” bugs me. I know that erotica and erotic romance both feature unreasonably awesome sex, but I don’t think the sex should be paranormal. Or should we expect to start seeing guys w/barbed dicks, a la Rhev?

As to the idea of orgasmic wombs–or “uterine orgasms”–Wikipedia has a stub on the topic, and I’ve seen them discussed on various sites. But I remain agnostic.

I think I’ve read that during orgasm, the womb contracts a little. It helps the sperm get where it needs to be. But I don’t think it’s something you’d really notice, what with everything else going on. I mean, it’s been more than twelve years since I had a womb, but my orgasms aren’t noticeably different from the ones I had back before the doctors erased my hard drive.

Remember that not too long ago, historically speaking, doctors believed that a woman’s womb could go traveling around inside her body, leading her to express independent thoughts, get pissed off when these were ignored, and otherwise behave hysterically.  And it was even more recently that doctors realized the vast majority of women don’t experience orgasm through vaginal intercourse alone. I think it’s quite likely that orgasms are anchored in the clitoris and vagina, but can be so powerful that it feels like they’re involving other regions of the nether. And hey — nothing wrong with that.

Still, while the womb is a sexual organ, I just don’t think it’s an erogenous zone. Wombs are for babies, vaginas for penises.

The baby can hear you knocking, but no, you can't come in.

The baby can hear you knocking, but no, you can’t come in.

1 comment

  1. Cristi

    That is very funny. It’s been a while since there was womb knocking (or contracting) in the books I’ve read, but I know there was a time when it was in nearly every book I read. I have seen some passages of in-cervix sex too. I have no idea if I’ll be able to find them in my collection.

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