Dec 20

Forgive me, John Ronald Reuel

As I mentioned on Twitter the other day, I could still, even before going to see The Hobbit on Saturday and not having read the book in more than 20 years, name every dwarf. This isn’t bragging; this is confessing. I’m a big ol geek.

When I first read that Richard Armitage had been cast as Thorin Oakenshield, dispossessed King Under The Mountain who leads 12 dwarfs and 1 reluctant Hobbit to reclaim his kingdom from a dragon, I thought 1) He’s 6’2!! How are they going to DO that? and 2) Oh my God, am I going to be lusting after Thorin Oakenshield? That feels wrong, y’all. Just so, so wrong.

When the first photos from the set leaked out–way before the film was finished but with all the actors in full makeup–I was kind of relieved. The publicity shot of Richard/Thorin made him look like a Klingon, and I do not lust after Klingons (NTTAWTT):

This doesn’t look like a Thorin, son of Thrain. This looks like a Thorg, son of Thrag, or something…

I knew I’d see the movie the weekend it came out – I’m a Tokien nerd and an Armitage lover. I just figured when the movie came out, I’d be lusting through the latex, if you know what I mean.

So it opened last Friday, and I went to see it for my birthday, and…well, as a a blog I just discovered put it, there’s a lot of Hot Dwarf Cognitive Dissonance going on up in here. Like, I know I’m not supposed to be thinking about how well Thorin probably wields that mighty pickaxe but damned if I can help it.  As one commenter there said, “HOLY FUCKING SHIT, THORIN GODDAMNED OAKENSHIELD.”

Yes. Yes, indeed.

Richard inspects the Leggo Thorin figure, with its wee Leggo Thorin chest hairs.

“Madam, may I mine you? Yes, I thought I might.”

The same commenter asked if she was the only one who found Armitage hotter as a dwarf and I said – no. I guarantee you, no, and this was no accident on Jackson’s part, neither, sister. They made him dark and hairy and hot on purpose. Rightly or wrongly, ever since FOTR was filmed, they wanted to draw the chicks as well as the men. Rightly or wrongly, people always assume the male geeks outnumber the girl geeks, so they made Aragorn hot and Legolas pretty (and no, I’m not forgetting Figwit, but that one was a total accident.)

I’m sure when it came time to cast The Hobbit, with no big studly elf or human characters to cast, they figured they’d make some hot dwarves.

There’s Kili:

“Bet you thought only Aragorn could smolder, right? Amirite?”

“And I’ve got WAY lusher locks than Isildur’s Heir!”

And his twin brother Fili:

Like Gosling, only with leather!

And the chin braids…

I’m completely unfamiliar with Dan O’Gorman, who plays Fili (the blond.) I don’t know Aidan Turner, who plays Kili, either, but apparently he starred in a BBC costume drama about the Pre-Raphaelite Brotherhood, who are my favorite artists, so I’ll be watching that on Amazon this weekend.

Several of the commenters on the blog I linked above agreed with me – these guys were definitely chosen in part for eye candy appeal. Now, Armitage is a fine actor, and they did a great job making him into a believable dwarf – but they couldn’t hide the hot, and I don’t think they wanted to.

I know there’s some dirty, dirty LOTR fanfiction out there. I’ve never wanted to read it. Until now. Paging Kelly Jamieson. Rule of Four?

As for Kili and Fili, more than one blog, including The Mary Sue, has noted great potential for Middle Earth’s first boy band. (Seriously – Peter Jackson’s got quite the eye for battle scenes with Heroic Hair Blowing in the Breeze.)

If you’re a Tolkien fan, read the Mary Sue post – Jackson’s gonna sex it (or at least romance it) up like he did in LOTR. I’m not complaining.

Meanwhile, I leave you with a GIF I shamelessly copied from Zoe Archer’s wonderful tumblr site. (And she got it from madelinelime.)


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